It starts with mourning doves —

an ongoing blog, a weekly exploration,

a practice in practice. where will we go?

 

A bunch of folks weigh in or, The NextDoor Play

october 29, 2020

More dead birds have been showing up around Park Slope

october 18, 2020

[I wrote this while listening to "Grand Russian Fantasia (Arr. D. Hunsberger for Wind Ensemble)" on Wynton Marsalis’s 1987 album Carnaval. Maybe listen to it while reading this, or listen to it and then read this, or do neither. Either way, I love that song.] 

 

In ghost stories the ghosts always seem linked to a place, 

doomed to traverse the same halls 

or wander the same gardens or walk the same circles 

 

over and over 

over and over 

over and over

over and over

 

Mourning doves, supposedly, have a proclivity for returning.

A tendency to come back to where they’ve been.

 

And this makes me think about, what about ghosts that like to travel? 

Mourning doves with no interest in coming back? 

 

Let’s go to Paris!

Let’s go to Machu Pichu!

I’ll walk and you fly, I’ll glide and you fly

Let’s go to a mountain in Ecuador and a waterfall in Canada!

 

Imagine ghosts traveling in droves and mourning doves flying over head

A travel bus full of transparencies and escorted by what dinosaurs became

En route to somewhere fabulous, somewhere new, somewhere none of them had been

Wouldn’t that be something? the ghosts who stay at home say

 

They feel some feeling like they feel they should go home

pulling

               pulling

                              pulling

                                             pulling

Let’s go to paris!

                                                            pulling

                                                                           pulling

Let’s go to a mountain!

                                                                                          pulling

                                                                                                         pulling

                                                                                                                        pulling

               let’s get to canada already

                                                                                                         A bus on a freeway that goes back to your family,

                                                                           back to the base 

                                             back to the house you grew up in

               even if you didn’t die there 

even if you had no letters left

to return to sender

 

imagine the eiffel tower

imagine the water

imagine the staggering heights

imagine machu pichu

Singing

october 5, 2020

You’re supposed to sing to get a mate. And sure, Parmesan wanted a mate. (Parmesan was a childhood nickname; he had a real name that was something else, but everyone called him Parmesan.) And so, Parmesan sang. Everyday he was like: 

coo-OOH-ooh-ooh 

coo-OOH-ooh-ooh 

 

coo-OOH-ooh-ooh 

 

coo-OOH-ooh-ooh 

coo-OOH-ooh-ooh 

 

coo-OOH-ooh-ooh 

 

sitting on the twig where he grew up (his parents long gone of course) waiting to see if anyone would respond. He kept singing

 

coo-OOH-ooh-ooh 

 

day in and day out, expecting some beautiful lady mourning dove to swing around the bend and be like

 

Parmesan, oh Parmesan!

 

but everyday it was Parmesan, alone, on his twig, singing and waiting. 

 

His voice carried. Across the street, bumping off the lamppost, swimming down the street, spilling down hill towards the ocean. The sound muffled in the fog but eventually made it all the way to the water and sure enough, just a few days later

 

a lady mourning dove appeared, swinging around the bend, pivoting at the stop sign, and headed right towards Parmesan!

 

Parmesan looked up at her and she said

 

you come here often?

 

And he didn’t know what to say so he just sat there and then she asked

 

So what’s your name?

 

And he told her

 

Parmesan 

 

And she said

 

Do you want to live together for the rest of our lives? 

 

And Parmesan said

 

yes! 

 

So the lady mourning dove flew over to the twig where Parmesan grew up and rested her weary feet. They chatted. Told each other secrets. Exchanged sad memories. Laughed at some jokes they created that no one else would understand. She said he could call her Pasta. He laughed and said 

 

Okay, Pasta

 

and she said 

 

Okay, Parmesan

 

and they had a really nice night.

 

so then in the morning it was time to start crafting the nest, so after the sun rose Pasta was like

 

Well I’m off!

 

And Parmesan watched her fly away. During the day, it was her job to gather twigs and whatnot to fashion the nest, and his job to guard the nesting grounds. Then they would switch at night.

 

Parmesan sat on the twig where he grew up, quietly. He didn’t have to sing anymore, of course, since he had Pasta. So he looked around, regarded the tree, noticed some new leaves he hadn’t seen previously. He regarded the street, pretty much same as always. He regarded the stop sign, a bit of paint chipped but otherwise same old same old. Lamppost could be on or off, the light wasn’t very strong in the day. 

 

Parmesan thought, oh geez, what harm would it do if I sang, just a little? 

 

So Parmesan took in a deep gulp of air and let out a plaintive

 

coo-OOH-ooh-ooh 

 

He had to admit, it sounded good.

 

coo-OOH-ooh-ooh 

coo-OOH-ooh-ooh 

 

It reverberated through the air.

 

coo-OOH-ooh-ooh 

coo-OOH-ooh-ooh 

 

It cut through the telephone wire.

 

coo-OOH-ooh-ooh 

 

A lady mourning dove came swinging round the bend and she exclaimed

 

Parmesan, oh Parmesan!

 

And Parmesan sealed his gullet, thinking of Pasta. The lady mourning dove repeated

 

Parmesan, oh Parmesan!

your song is so beautiful! 

 

And Parmesan didn’t want to be rude so he replied

 

Thank you!

 

And the lady dove’s eyes glistened in the lamppost light.

 

I’m just singing for fun! Parmesan shouted.

 

That’s okay, I’d love to listen, the lady mourning dove told him.

 

And so Parmesan resumed his song

 

coo-OOH-ooh-ooh 

coo-OOH-ooh-ooh 

 

coo-OOH-ooh-ooh 

 

And not two minutes later, two more mourning doves swung round the bend, not even hesitating at the stop sign. 

 

Is that Parmesan?

 

they yelled, in perfect unison.

 

Yes! the first lady dove interjected. 

 

You have a really unique voice Parmesan, the smaller of the two said.

 

We’d love to stay and listen, the larger of the two said. 

 

Parmesan, blushing, resumed his song:

 

coo-OOH-ooh-ooh 

coo-OOH-ooh-ooh 

 

coo-OOH-ooh-ooh 

 

He continued singing and more and more mourning doves appeared. By late afternoon the fog had entirely lifted and a whole bevy of mourning doves had gathered around Parmesan’s tree — sitting on branches, squatting on the street, perching on the lamppost. Parmesan kept singing

 

coo-OOH-ooh-ooh 

 

until night began to fall, and the birds peeled off and returned to their respective homes. Parmesan sat on his twig and said

 

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye!

 

Just as the sun set Pasta swung round the bend, regarding the stop sign before landing on the tree. She dropped a bunch of twigs on a particular part of the tree where several branches connected, and those twigs became the foundation of the nest.

 

How was your day? she asked

 

Oh, it was fine! Parmesan told her, unsure if he should reveal that he had kept singing, and that for some reason, all these doves had come to listen. 

 

Mine was fine too, Pasta said, but boy am I tired. 

 

It was Parmesan’s turn to go gather twigs and whatnot so he took off. He tried to concentrate on finding twigs but he kept getting distracted by memories of the day — how much everyone loved his song. how much he loved singing. how much his song moved doves. how beautiful they all said it was. Parmesan swung round the bend just before sunrise with only a few twigs in his beak. He dropped them on what was becoming the nest. 

 

Well I’m off! Pasta said, and she flew away down the street. 

 

Again Parmesan tried to sit quietly. And again he thought, geez, one little song couldn’t hurt anyone. So he started singing.

 

Mournings doves flew in from far and wide saying

 

Parmesan, oh Parmesan! 

 

And this kept happening for a few days. Pasta left in the morning, Parmesan started singing, the mourning doves came to listen, the mourning doves left, Pasta returned, the nest got bigger, Parmesan left in the evening. 

 

One day, as Parmesan was singing

 

coo-OOH-ooh-ooh

coo-OOH-ooh-ooh

 

to a bevy of adoring fans, he saw in the corner of his eye — Pasta coming round the bend. 

 

coo-OOH

 

It was only three o’clock! 

 

ooh-ooh

coo-OOH

 

All the other mourning doves took flight. 

 

I thought that song was only for me!

 

Pasta cried, looking at Parmesan.

 

My real name’s Tori

 

Pasta said. She turned at the stop sign and pivoted towards the street. As she dove through the fog and towards the ocean, she could barely hear Parmesan singing

 

coo-OOH-ooh-ooh

coo-OOH-ooh-ooh

 

coo-OOH-ooh-ooh

 

Morning / Mourning

september 29, 2020

When I first heard that my parents had mourning doves outside their window, I heard “morning.” The internet quickly revealed that actually it’s “mourning” doves — it’s about grief, lamenting, wailing, etc. rather than about waking up, stretching, sunrise, leaving, etc.

 

So the mourning dove apparently got her name from her sound — the plaintive, repetitive coo-ing. Whoever it is that decides bird names thought it sounded like mourning, and so she became the mourning dove.

 

I’ve listened to a lot of clips of the mourning dove coo-ing, and it doesn't sound particularly mourning-y to me. It sounds like coo-OOOH-ooh-ooh, over and over. 

 

I think mourning sounds quiet. It sounds like saving voicemails and listening to those voicemails, and then realizing your phone has a limit and some of those voicemails are gone. It sounds like walking by the restaurant you went to. It sounds like wordlessly remembering some random thing about some random time. It sounds like not finding words but finding hot cheeks, red face and tears instead. It sounds like listening to a conversation but zoning out because you just thought of this phenomenon you just learned about that you wish you could tell someone. It sounds like lighting a candle and staring at the flame.

 

In actuality maybe I don’t know that much about what mourning sounds like. I haven’t mourned that many people.

 

Assuming we’re talking about mourning as something you can only do for dead people that you knew when they were alive. Which, if I really think about it, I don’t think defines mourning (or at least, my mourning). Here is a list of people and things that I have mourned or mourned for:

 

My goldfish, Nick, who died of being overfed

My other goldfish, Nan, who died of a broken heart

6 million

200,000

Breonna Taylor

Many friendships

The relationship with my ex

The consequent loss of closeness with several people I previously held close

My uncle Jeff, who died before I was born

My grandpa Max, who died before I was born

My grandma Barbara, who completed suicide before I was born

My great-great-aunt Dina, who ate one meal at the Bus Stop Cafe everyday

My brother’s ascent into adulthood

My own ascent into adulthood

The idea of America

The idea that I don’t need that much sleep

The idea that one can buy a house in Brooklyn and not be a lawyer / doctor

The bonsai tree I got upstate

My grandpa Chickie, the first relative I remember dying

Any conviction that I knew what the “point” of “life” “is”

 

So it seems that maybe mourning is a state of being rather than an action. “I’m in mourning” rather than “people who are currently lamenting at a funeral.” “I’m in mourning” implies that it’s something you can enter, something you can be inside of or, on the other hand, outside of. A threshold that you can cross or not cross.

 

Weirdly, this makes “mourning” feel a lot more like “morning” to me. Morning, too, is a sort of threshold — you can be in morning or not in morning (then you’d be in afternoon, or in evening, I suppose). They’re both states that you pass in and out of. The existence of morning as a space you can enter seems dependent on the outside world — you can only enter morning in certain times of day. It has nothing to do with what's inside of you.

 

Is the existence of mourning as a space you can enter dependent on the outside world, too, or dependent on one’s interiority? My first impulse is that it depends on one’s interiority: did someone just die, is someone sick, did someone just grow up, etc. But all those things feel markedly external, too, at least right now — so many people are dying, so many people are sick, so many people are growing up. Perhaps the distinction between morning and mourning as thresholds is that the ability to enter morning must depend on the outside world, whereas the ability to enter mourning can come from anywhere. Mourning is all around us and also we're full of mourning.

 

I do find it sort of funny that a bird named for her sound has the name of a homonym. Mourning morning. Morning mourning. Mourning dove. Morning, dove. Mourning dove. Morning dove.